Don’t get mad at the refs. Call some technical fouls on me here, instead. “Whistle Blower,” or “The Real WB,” isn’t the only zebra in the house.
We can look together at the referees and the rules, regardless of whether the Pistons ever again make the playoffs. The usual analysis — like Coach Darvin Ham and the Lakers are facing a “huge” need to do this or that tonight — is elsewhere. Let’s explore the overall product, and why some changes are needed to keep b-ball being better than football.
Begin with the officials.
In high school ball, a kid will get a technical foul simply for asking a ref something as innocent as, “Are you sure?” At the same time, now we have the pros bellyaching on what seems like a 24-second whine clock. If they try to teach the young ones about respect, are they forced to fall back on, “Do as I say, not as I do?”
It wasn’t always like that. The adults have always been given a little more leeway, but should every single play end with a crabapple? Try Googling a game from as recently as only a few years ago, and you won’t see all that soap opera, more and more NBA pros play-acting like the World Cup soccer penalty fakers, as though Tony Brothers and Scott Foster and all the rest were figure skating judges.
What if the players had to call their own fouls, like Gus Macker or in golf? But you couldn’t call one on another player, only on yourself?
Impossible, you say. But give it a try. The crybabies eventually are weeded out by their peers. So are the selfish guys, the dirty ones and the divers, especially the divers. See who’s who. And there always can be a Gus Buster on hand, but with limits on many times to call the arbiter.
Now that readers are giving me an opening technical foul for the thought of Bron and Butler reffing themselves in The Finals (yes, a prediction), next we explore the concept of technical fouls themselves.
- Is it a sign of strength to tweet a tech, or a sign of weakness?
- Is there an official list of bad words and gestures? What exactly might qualify?
- What kind of ref would Mahatma Gandhi have been? No techs for anyone, not even for Patrick Beverly’s camera?
- Imagine if you could be a ref in real life, “teeing up” everyone from your friends to your family. (Author knew a jokester years ago who actually did this, but only sometimes.)
- A referee is supposed to be fair and impartial, but you might lose your cool, especially if someone is giving you the business like we see in all pro sports, but nothing like basketball and rarely otherwise in real life
Then you motion the technical foul with speedy slap of the top hand over the rigid fingers of the bottom one. Or to respond in a blasé way and extend the agony, hold them slightly apart for a couple seconds, and do a slow tap.
Coaches suggest that we fan watch the defenders as well as the scoring stars. Give the zebras a couple seconds as well. Maybe on the next Shaqtin’ a Fool, do a stream of the top refs and their styles in issuing T’s to their fellow grownups.
Enough on the refs. Some of the rules need changing:
- Play up to a score, maybe 60 prep, 80 college, 110 pro. This would help stop so many timeouts and especially intentional fouls. Stop taking a half hour for the final two minutes, which is really sour after a great fast pace for the first 46.
- Change a 3-pointer to 2.5 to reduce the math imbalance. A downtown bomb should not count 50 percent more. That’s too much. And maybe give the defense a quick side out if a trey misses. Don’t you hate when a long gun misses and the rebound skyrockets over the heads of everyone who is in the properly-coached positions?
- Think of ways to reduce free throws. If your team has a Ben Wallace, you can keep the ball instead of shooting them. Intentional fouls are a shot and keep possession. Etc. More points from the action. To decide basketball games with free throws can be compared to football results that hinge on placekicks.
- If you are thinking of putting the basket higher, research has shown this only helps the taller players even more.
- They should have goaltenders, like hockey. No, not really. It might get like that old movie, “Rollerball.”
As far as the broadcasts:
- They show replays from a minute ago. “Instant Replay” was instant when it began back when Kareem still was Lewis in college. Another example of progress.
- Stop saying players took dumb shots attempts only after they miss, and never when they go in.
- They always say the winning team “has more energy,” but sometimes the shots are simply swishing. And then the guy who gets the rebound “wanted it more,” instead of saying the ball bounced to him.
- Kevin Harlan sounds like he’s doing a horse race, and it looks like he has the East finals. Chill, maybe.
- Tickets are the prices of cars, and we never see kids at these playoff games. Children all should get field trips to arenas their parents are paying for, in one way of another.
- Everyone in 2023 must be betting except for me.
Just appreciate the game as is. Why so negative, Whistle Blower? Because basketball is the best sport, and could be much better. Your ideas?
